Hopeless//Hopeful

A few days ago, as one of the kids I work with left, my friend turned to me.

He told me through his tears,

"I helped raise him."

I am blessed to be a part of a work where I help raise children.

And it is glorious.

The hard part is when the work that we do is not enough.

Sometimes it is.

Sometimes we watch them grow up and be incredible successful.

And we get to be a huge part of that.

Sometimes no matter what we do, it is not enough.

I wish that it was.

The hardest part of my job is not being able to help everyone.

I believe in what I am doing.

I believe that it works.

I have seen lives change.

But for the few that it seemingly does so little for?

It hurts too much to dwell on for too long.

It makes me feel powerless.

And hopeless.

But I have to trust that they will still be taken care of. 

I have to trust that the Lord has a plan and He knows what He is doing.

Because I do not always understand.

And I need to be hopeful.

Sometimes it is all I have.

Overheard

I have had several jobs in the past year where the kids say the funniest things.
I have had to exercise the strongest self restraint to keep from laughing.

This is me with the people on my current shift.
You can tell how serious we are, riiiight?
No wonder we love these silly kids so much.
We get along so well.

Nurse: ...and then they will give you a sonogram
Girl: But I don't need a sonogram! I am not pregnant! I know I am fat and it looks like pregnant, but it isn't!



Girl #1: I've decided that I don't think you and {boy} shouldn't be together anymore. I think he should be with {coworker I don't care for}.
Girl #2: What?? He can't be with her! She is so much older than him!
Me: How old do you think {boy} and {coworker I don't care for} are?
Girl #2: He's like, 19 and she's like, 40.
{They are both in their early 20s}



Boy: When I'm king of the world, I will destroy all of you. Except for Tim. I will spare Tim.



Boy: Are you quitting because we say dirty things about you behind your back?
Me: No. I didn't actually know you did that.
Boy: It's because you're hot and we are all horny teenage boys.



Boy: Help! Save me from the staff! Start a rebellion! If you do, I will make you a famous rap star!

24

22 was terrible.

I would not be 22 again for the world.

(Taylor Swift is lying. Avoid it.)

23 was good.

I learned a lot.

I loved a lot.

I lost a lot.

I was comfortable.

I was the saddest I've every been.

I was the most delighted I've ever been.

Equal opposites were strongly at work.

24?

I'm ready.

I'm excited for all I have to learn and all I have to do.

Sometimes I wish I was further along in school or relationships or whatever it is.

So I think 24 is going to be full of hard work.

It's going to be a little lonely

(everyone of importance is getting married, it seems)

but it is going to be full of delightful fun times as well.

I'm becoming more and more of a homebody.

I do so love to read a book for hours at a time.

Or watch movies.

But I also still love adventures.

So this year should have some good adventures to it. 

I want to be better.

Stronger.

Healthier.

Smarter.

Wiser.

Kinder.

Better.

I am grateful that I have more time to do all that.

now is the start

Tomorrow is my birthday.

24.

So young.

But sometimes I forget that.

Sometimes I get caught up in the race of life and remember that I am not graduated.

I am not married.

I don't have any kids.

I'm still getting paid by the hour.

I'm still renting.

I haven't paid off my car yet.

I've never been out of the country.

And in light of all that, I feel so behind.

What have I accomplished, really?

And I have to stop myself and remember all the good times I am having.

I love my job.

I love my roommates.

I like being on my own.

I feel happy and fulfilled most every day.

I am so young.

I have so much to look forward to.

I have so much left to do.

That I get to do.

I am alive. 

And now is the start.

First Crush

Last week I got to have a sleepover with my favorite 8 year old, Macy.

We went to the mall to try on sunglasses and all the perfumes.

We went swimming then had ramen for dinner, which was a treat for her.

We ate ice cream and chips and watched Chronicles of Narnia till she fell asleep.

It was delightful.

While we were swimming, she asked me if I had a boyfriend.

Not currently, no.

Then she insisted I tell her all about every boy I've dated in chronological order and why I am not dating them anymore.

And is there anyone I'm interested in?

Yes.

{he knows who he is and maybe we could be together one day after I murder we conquer our current obstacles}

So of course the only polite thing to do was ask her about her love life.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Oh yes," came the reply.

"I have eight of them."

Eight??

I've been playing this game for years and can barely keep one!

I was impressed.

But isn't she a little young?

And after hearing each entertaining description, I got to thinking about my first crush.

I was 5. 

Dylan.

He was a 5th grader.

My how I admired him.

By the time I was 8 I had moved on to bigger and better things, namely the star of Early Edition.

I think he was recently on Friday Night Lights.

Oh I was in love with him.

{so cute)

Now I just want that one curly headed fellow.

Unless Clark Kent shows up.

{yum}

the love that i want to be in

And just like that he picked her up and dusted her off. Without even trying. That’s how their love was. When she was at her worst, he saw her at her best.

M.M.

it's late at night and i've been writing for hours now

I was just looking at this picture and thinking about how much it is like my life.

The stars are out there. 

They are constant.

 I am lucky enough to get to connect the dots to make the constellations.

But some days it certainly feels like my map is written in a different language.

Post Valentine's Day

Whelp, another Valentine's has come and gone.

This year was different.

It was the first year that I didn't miss the first boy I ever loved.

The last time I saw him was Valentine's Day 2008.

And it took me a really long time to get over him.

I compared every boy I ever liked to him and none were ever good enough.

Not this year.

What a refreshing feeling.

I had a dream about him last night.

And there was no longing.

Just laughter.

I am content.

I have loved and I have been loved.

And I love and am loved. 

What a nice feeling. 

Dead Grandma!!!!

There was this one time my friend made this funny little series. 

Enjoy. 

Dead Grandma! Episode 1: LIBRARY from Mummy Space Island Productions! on Vimeo.

what makes you laugh?

Today as I laid on the floor and giggled, I thought about the things that make me laugh the most.

And I came to the conclusion that there are 3 things that make me laugh so hard I cry and can't breathe and want to never ever stop.

1. Funny cat videos

2. California Speed with Troy

3. Being with Talana, Matt and Joey/remembering funny things that we did or talked about together

is he a man?

Have you seen The Mindy Project?

It's kinda funny.

But I just like this quote.

It's just some food for thought.

Danny: Was he a man?
Mindy: What do you mean? Yeah, of course he was a man.
Danny: No, I mean, like, was he a man?
Mindy: Danny, don’t just repeat it and expect me to understand what you’re saying.
Danny: Was this the kinda guy who, if he heard glass breaking in the middle of the night, is he gonna jump out of bed, say, “stay here,” and look through the house naked with a baseball bat, or is he gonna hide under the covers with you? Is this the kinda guy who is gonna get grossed out when you give birth, or is he gonna dry your forehead and tell you you look beautiful while all that disgusting stuff is coming out of you? Is this the kinda guy that’s not afraid to get into a fistfight at a Springsteen show because someone really disrespects him? And he’ll just put it out… And he’ll take ‘em down right there, right now?
Mindy: You’re just talking about yourself.

a lesson in self-control

The other day at work one of my girls said to me, 

"Your Uggs are fake. I can tell because the Uggs brand doesn't make them that color."

{Note: My fake Uggs are tan.}

I wish that you could hear the mean and rude tone of voice she used.

In my head, my initial response is not so pleasant.

I just want to say, 

"Only b*tchy, entitled people take the time to notice the subtle difference in the shade of tan between 'real' and 'fake' Uggs." 

Because, what does it matter if my boots are fake? 

They are warm and they do the job.

So I paid half the price for the same value?

That makes me awesome! 

But instead I took a half step to pause and think about the right way to respond.

So then we had a conversation about how I don't have a lot of money to be throwing around at expensive shoes, and even if I did, I would probably choose to spend it on more worthwhile things.

We talked about how pointing out people's 'fake' shoes could be hurtful because it is commentary on their monetary value and, honestly, the value of a human being is not monetary. 

And it was a good moment for us.

I think I learned a lot more than she did.

I remembered the importance of self-control. 

That the gratifying moment of calling someone a mean name is not lasting.

But healthy human relationships are.

If my response had been less than kind, my relationship with this girl would have suffered.

***

A few years ago my brother and I were helping a friend do some gardening.

She had just had a little boy.

She was nervous about raising a boy.

So she asked my brother what the most important thing she needed to teach this little guy.

My brother thought for a minute.

"Self-control."

And I got chills.

Some things are just true.

And truth always touches my heart.

And it rushed through my brain all the millions of ways that self-control would be of importance.

in accomplishing difficult tasks, in working a job to provide for a family, in gaining an education, in always treating women with respect and kindness, in raising children, in avoiding pornography and immorality, in being a good friend, in living the gospel. 

So, self-control. 

The List

You know.

THE List.

The one that every girl makes at some point to describe her dream man.

I could pull out my old journals and give you some entertainment.

With things like,

Tall and dark with curly hair and green eyes

or

Must act like Mr. Knightley and be a Jedi and have a beard and also be a pirate

Luckily, I've matured enough to not have that kind of a list anymore.

My list now is based off of the best components of my favorite relationships with my loved ones.

1. enjoys being silly

2. crazy about me

3. enjoys being around me

4. expresses love frequently

5. honest with me, even when I am wrong, but never in a hurtful manner

6. will drop everything and come if I need him

7. provides where possible

8. needs me in his life

9. expresses his needs/wants/opinions

10. generous to everyone

11. places people above things

12. makes sacrifice look easy because he understands that it is worth it

13. loves his/mine/our family

14. energetic

15. gentle

16. comfortable 

17. willing to place my needs above his own

18. supports me and my ideas

19. strives for creativity

20. humble enough to ask for my help

21. worthy priesthood holder

22. loves the temple

23. loves me!

I know it is a long list.

But these are the things that the people I love and admire most in my life exemplify and are striving for.

These are the things that I strive for in my every day life. 

And I don't think it is too much to ask of myself or the man who I love.

What does your list look like?

Are you married and does your spouse fit your list?

Also, this: 

strange dreams

Last night I had the strangest dream

I had to have multiple meetings with people at work over the goblin problem we were battling.

That's right, goblins.

They were causing trouble with our girls. 

And we couldn't do outside chores because the goblins were a nuisance and all kidnappy.

So we had to come up with a plan.

And we set out one of the girls as bait in our trap.

(If you work with me, ask who and then you will laugh.)

We had a neat heat sensor thing so we could know when they were coming and everything.

Then it all turned into me being dropped off from our secret meeting in a big black truck.

And my friend was at my house with my family.

And he was all weirdly into being with them and excited to see me.

That's when I realized it was a dream.

Because the goblins didn't tip me off, but this friend being all weirdly emotionally snuggly with me and my family did.

Ha. 

creativity and stuff and a pretty picture and people that I love and thoughts

{nothing to do with the post I just like this and it reminds me of the new A Fine Frenzy album Pines which I am obsessed with}

A dear friend of mine recently wrote that she loved creating her life year after year by the side of her husband. 

That just tugged at my heart. 

And of course got me thinking about what I was creating and who else was involved in creating who I am today?

Who am I creating my life with?

I keep seeing this little thing that says, 

You become the 5 people you spend the most time with.

How cool is that?

And scary?

Who is creating me?

Who am I creating?

I think the number one person I spent the most time with is me.

{uh oh this could get confusing... I'm becoming myself? Yes! Maybe.}

I have always been slightly more introverted, preferring my own company over the company of others.

But that's how I know if I really love someone, is if I choose time with them over being alone.

It's a great measurement for my feelings about others.

Anyways, 5 people I spend the most time with...

Talana Matt Troy Joey my girls at work and uh oh this turned into a post where I realized that I don't have a lot of friends now I am going to go cry myself to sleep waaaaaaahhhhh

Just kidding there are a lot of people I spend time with. 

But those are the ones I spend the most time with and it is seriously so much time that I don't spend as much time with all the others.

Do phone calls count?

Cause I spend a lot of time with my family then.

Ok I'm going to end this cause I'm rambling now.

2013: let's do this

The New Year always brings New Feelings.

I didn't have a chance to do the deep introspection that I usually do on the first day of the year because I was working.

But that's ok.

It was great to make money.

So I am thinking today about my Feelings.

I made up a tiny little list of how I imagine that I want this year to go.

I love goals because I feel like they are ways to record the little milestones so I actually know how I'm doing in life. 

A reference point, if you will. 

So here a few for this year.

1. be kind

2. be forgiving

3. be open

4. travel somewhere new

5. have an adventure

6. work hard where it matters

I'm trying to keep them simple so that they can apply to more than just one thing.

Today I want to be kind to my family, to be forgiving to those that have hurt me, to be open in what I am feeling with the people who matter, to go on a road trip, to take the sailing lesson I signed up for, and to work hard in school and in my relationships.

And I feel like it's going to be a good year.

A friend told me that 23 is the best year. 

And so far it has been.

Not because of events, but because I am so sure of me.

I feel more like myself than I ever have.

And I'm excited to start this new year.