Thursday, March 15

Oh it is love

Oh, Oh.
I do love John Steinbeck.
Here is a letter that he wrote to his son.

New York
November 10, 1958
Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First -- if you are in love -- that's a good thing -- that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second -- There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you -- of kindness and consideration and respect -- not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply -- of course it isn't puppy love.

But I don't think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it -- and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone -- there is no possible harm in saying so -- only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another -- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I'm glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.



We are all made of air

That last post was a downer!

Don't worry, I have my new red shoes to comfort me.
(A steal at H&M. So glad they opened one here in Utah!)

Wednesday, March 14

I know that you think this is about dating because you know me, but it actually isn't. Despite the not-dating setting off these thoughts.

For awhile, Everything was going great.
I had Everything I wanted.
Not that it wasn't hard sometimes, but I wanted that, too.
I've never wanted things to be easy and just handed to me.
So, not easy, but great!

Then Things happened.
And it was great.
But Everything fell apart.
But that was ok, because of Things.
But then Things broke.
Beyond repair, it felt like.

Then Other Things happened.
Good things.
Other Things that put me back together again.
But there were still a lot of cracks.
Broken beyond repair, it felt like.

Then those Other Things started falling apart, too.
Not in the same way at all.
But they certainly tugged at all those cracks.

And now I am sitting here feeling like I am left with nothing.
I know that isn't true.
But most everything important to me is not really around.
I still have what counts, I suppose.
But I am at a point in my life where Those Things just are enough.
I need the Other Things.

But the Other Things are being awfully elusive.

And as spending time with a friend tonight was interrupted and I quickly became the seventh wheel (yes, that's right, seventh. In a matter of 5 minutes.) I started to really feel the gap left by those Other Things.

And I want Everything back.
But I do not know how to get it.

So be patient with me while I find it, ok?

Monday, March 12

Letters of Note

I've discovered a new website, Letters of Note, that has me completely fascinated.

It is full of amazing letters, from J.R.R. Tolkien to an editor, Adolus Huxley to George Orwell, Abigail Adams to John Adams, Fredrick Douglass to his former master.

Some are boring, but most are amazing.

This one, a letter from a slave to his former mistress, struck me so strongly.

Go explore!

Friday, March 9

Important Information

I saw you wondering who Benedict Cumberbatch is.
Let me help you.
Amazing Grace.
and above all, Sherlock!!!

Don't worry, he's just the best.
If anyone can make you fall in love with a selfish sociopath, he is the one.

Thursday, March 8

Quote of My Day

"What's past is prologue."

~The Tempest, William Shakespeare

Sleeping to Dream

Lately I've been having the most amazing dreams.
And I love it!
I've been sleeping less and dreaming more.
Is there a correlation?
I hope not.
But if so, I choose the awesome dreams I've been having.

Yesterday morning I woke up from a Halloween party and kissing Benedict Cumberbatch.
Yesterday afternoon I took a nap and dreamed I was in California swimming in the sunshine with an old boyfriend's family.
(Ok that one sounds weird, but it wasn't. Just good.)
And this morning I woke up from some good-ness about Batman and Sherlock and my family and saving the world and super powers and maybe there was some sort of defeating a bad guy with kryptonite.

I know they all sound silly.
I don't know what I've been doing lately to bring this on.
And I couldn't tell you the plot to any of these.
But they are just happy dreams that make me excited to live my life.
Even though they are all unrealistic and I would probably curl up and cry if they happened in real life.

The point is, I don't think I've ever had such vivid and fun dreams before.

What about you?
Do you always dream?
And what are your dreams like?

Tell me, tell me!!!

Monday, March 5

My boy from the South... where is he?!

There's something about this song...

It reminds me that I just want a boy from the South.
Growing up, that's all I dreamed about.
I just knew that I would marry a cute boy with a soft accent who loved his mama and Georgia.

It really all started with a boy from Oklahoma.
I can't even remember his name.
But, man, I adored him!
Cowboy boots, sweet accent, and such a gentleman.
No clue where he got off to, but I think about him every once in awhile.

I've come to realize that I don't need a boy from the South to be able to fall in love.
But it sure would be nice.

Saturday, March 3

Movie Review

La princess de Montpensier

5 reasons to watch it:

1. unrequited love (for all of the main characters. brilliant.)
2. Melanie Thierry is perhaps the most beautiful woman alive.
3. it's French
4. lots of handsome men
5. historically significant

5 reasons not to watch it:

1. you might cry
2. a few people get killed
3. you might see somebody's boobies
4. it is in French
5. you want a happy ending

The 5 reasons not to watch it?
Watch it anyways.

Thursday, March 1

the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week

la dee da
here I am, minding my own business.
being happy.
working hard.
living away.
in spite of.

then came Sunday.

it's funny what cracks us open sometimes.
in this case, it was something good.
that reminded me of something bad.
enter self-doubt.

sirens were going off in my head,
"wee-ooo wee-ooo look out look out! danger up ahead!"
but would I listen to them?

you know what I'm talking about.
one thing goes wrong,
everything goes wrong.


6 big things.
(what are they? none of your beeswax.)
I shouldn't have to deal with one of those on my own, let alone 6 of those nasty little buggers.
so how do you cope?

enter tender mercies.
(these I will label.)

1. Becca.
sweetest lady lets me email her and tell her everything. she doesn't tell me to cowboy up, she doesn't get annoyed that I spill my guts to her. no. she likes it. likes it. gives me advice. tells me her stuff. then asks for more. lucky lucky me.

2. mom.
tells me awesome stories about crazy family members and gives me inspiration to get writing. and then tells me she loves me.

3. Tiffani.
always with the Tiffani. forever and ever. understanding, wise, kind. everything I need. picks me up and says the exact thing I need to hear at that moment.

4. my roommates' hometeacher.
who left the Ensign cause we didn't have one. changed my Monday afternoon.

5. Parker.
who let's me enter the prison cell and will in fact join me in the corner on the cold hard cement. introduces me to panda express. picks me up from the testing center on the cold dark night and takes me to mcdonalds.

6. music.
specifically, first aid kit, miranda lambert, the pistol annies, sara barielles, he is we, and the civil wars. ya know, for when I don't have the words but the words still need to be said.

Anyways, I guess I just feel a lot like that statue.
A whole lotta cracks.

Sometimes life just leaves us with a lot of cracks.
But that is how the light can shine through.