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Violently Happy

Last night I was listening to some music in the shower.

I always listen to music in the shower.

 Ever since I lived with Heather and she taught me what a delight it is.

And I was so sore from running.

Sometimes I get carried away when I am running. 

After 3 miles it just starts feeling so good that I don't stop and then the next day I regret having run for an hour and half. 

But the shower is so hot.

And the water pressure is just right.

And with a great soundtrack?

Bliss.

But I digress.

Last night I was listening to Florence and the Machine.

And there is this one song, 

The Dog Days Are Over

that always makes me stop and think.

"Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back."

I love that.

I love the violence of the metaphor.

A bullet is so quick, so sudden, so devastating, and has such a profound impact, not just physically, but on one's entire life.

You don't get hit by a bullet and the next day go back to never having been hit by a bullet.

No.

It hits you and you feel it in your entire body.

And the result is lasting.

Now think about it in terms of happiness.

To be hit by happiness so suddenly, so violently, so consumingly.

And in the back?

So unexpectedly. 

I like to think that there are a few moments like this in life.

When you find the love of your life.

When you have a baby.

When you look at someone you love with your whole heart.

When you catch a glimpse into eternity and understand who you are and why you are here.

Hopeless//Hopeful

A few days ago, as one of the kids I work with left, my friend turned to me.

He told me through his tears,

"I helped raise him."

I am blessed to be a part of a work where I help raise children.

And it is glorious.

The hard part is when the work that we do is not enough.

Sometimes it is.

Sometimes we watch them grow up and be incredible successful.

And we get to be a huge part of that.

Sometimes no matter what we do, it is not enough.

I wish that it was.

The hardest part of my job is not being able to help everyone.

I believe in what I am doing.

I believe that it works.

I have seen lives change.

But for the few that it seemingly does so little for?

It hurts too much to dwell on for too long.

It makes me feel powerless.

And hopeless.

But I have to trust that they will still be taken care of. 

I have to trust that the Lord has a plan and He knows what He is doing.

Because I do not always understand.

And I need to be hopeful.

Sometimes it is all I have.

Overheard

I have had several jobs in the past year where the kids say the funniest things.
I have had to exercise the strongest self restraint to keep from laughing.

This is me with the people on my current shift.
You can tell how serious we are, riiiight?
No wonder we love these silly kids so much.
We get along so well.

Nurse: ...and then they will give you a sonogram
Girl: But I don't need a sonogram! I am not pregnant! I know I am fat and it looks like pregnant, but it isn't!



Girl #1: I've decided that I don't think you and {boy} shouldn't be together anymore. I think he should be with {coworker I don't care for}.
Girl #2: What?? He can't be with her! She is so much older than him!
Me: How old do you think {boy} and {coworker I don't care for} are?
Girl #2: He's like, 19 and she's like, 40.
{They are both in their early 20s}



Boy: When I'm king of the world, I will destroy all of you. Except for Tim. I will spare Tim.



Boy: Are you quitting because we say dirty things about you behind your back?
Me: No. I didn't actually know you did that.
Boy: It's because you're hot and we are all horny teenage boys.



Boy: Help! Save me from the staff! Start a rebellion! If you do, I will make you a famous rap star!

24

22 was terrible.

I would not be 22 again for the world.

(Taylor Swift is lying. Avoid it.)

23 was good.

I learned a lot.

I loved a lot.

I lost a lot.

I was comfortable.

I was the saddest I've every been.

I was the most delighted I've ever been.

Equal opposites were strongly at work.

24?

I'm ready.

I'm excited for all I have to learn and all I have to do.

Sometimes I wish I was further along in school or relationships or whatever it is.

So I think 24 is going to be full of hard work.

It's going to be a little lonely

(everyone of importance is getting married, it seems)

but it is going to be full of delightful fun times as well.

I'm becoming more and more of a homebody.

I do so love to read a book for hours at a time.

Or watch movies.

But I also still love adventures.

So this year should have some good adventures to it. 

I want to be better.

Stronger.

Healthier.

Smarter.

Wiser.

Kinder.

Better.

I am grateful that I have more time to do all that.

now is the start

Tomorrow is my birthday.

24.

So young.

But sometimes I forget that.

Sometimes I get caught up in the race of life and remember that I am not graduated.

I am not married.

I don't have any kids.

I'm still getting paid by the hour.

I'm still renting.

I haven't paid off my car yet.

I've never been out of the country.

And in light of all that, I feel so behind.

What have I accomplished, really?

And I have to stop myself and remember all the good times I am having.

I love my job.

I love my roommates.

I like being on my own.

I feel happy and fulfilled most every day.

I am so young.

I have so much to look forward to.

I have so much left to do.

That I get to do.

I am alive. 

And now is the start.

First Crush

Last week I got to have a sleepover with my favorite 8 year old, Macy.

We went to the mall to try on sunglasses and all the perfumes.

We went swimming then had ramen for dinner, which was a treat for her.

We ate ice cream and chips and watched Chronicles of Narnia till she fell asleep.

It was delightful.

While we were swimming, she asked me if I had a boyfriend.

Not currently, no.

Then she insisted I tell her all about every boy I've dated in chronological order and why I am not dating them anymore.

And is there anyone I'm interested in?

Yes.

{he knows who he is and maybe we could be together one day after I murder we conquer our current obstacles}

So of course the only polite thing to do was ask her about her love life.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Oh yes," came the reply.

"I have eight of them."

Eight??

I've been playing this game for years and can barely keep one!

I was impressed.

But isn't she a little young?

And after hearing each entertaining description, I got to thinking about my first crush.

I was 5. 

Dylan.

He was a 5th grader.

My how I admired him.

By the time I was 8 I had moved on to bigger and better things, namely the star of Early Edition.

I think he was recently on Friday Night Lights.

Oh I was in love with him.

{so cute)

Now I just want that one curly headed fellow.

Unless Clark Kent shows up.

{yum}

the love that i want to be in

And just like that he picked her up and dusted her off. Without even trying. That’s how their love was. When she was at her worst, he saw her at her best.

M.M.

it's late at night and i've been writing for hours now

I was just looking at this picture and thinking about how much it is like my life.

The stars are out there. 

They are constant.

 I am lucky enough to get to connect the dots to make the constellations.

But some days it certainly feels like my map is written in a different language.

Post Valentine's Day

Whelp, another Valentine's has come and gone.

This year was different.

It was the first year that I didn't miss the first boy I ever loved.

The last time I saw him was Valentine's Day 2008.

And it took me a really long time to get over him.

I compared every boy I ever liked to him and none were ever good enough.

Not this year.

What a refreshing feeling.

I had a dream about him last night.

And there was no longing.

Just laughter.

I am content.

I have loved and I have been loved.

And I love and am loved. 

What a nice feeling.